


for a future in which you are there (beside me, once more)

by alainey



Category: League of Legends
Genre: Alternate Universe - PROJECT/Pulsefire, Angst, Falling In Love, M/M, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:54:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24705664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alainey/pseuds/alainey
Summary: Shen knows he is not loveless. He hasneverbeen loveless.For it is love (quiet, painful,terriblelove) that keeps him looping back.- -In which Pulsefire Shen loops through dimensions trying to find a universe in which PROJECT Jhin does not die.
Relationships: Khada Jhin/Shen
Comments: 6
Kudos: 42





	for a future in which you are there (beside me, once more)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bekkomi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bekkomi/gifts).



There are many things people say about Shen.

They say that he is a tyrant, an emotionless husk that walks through time itself. They say that he steps his way through dimensions and discards them - one by one - in a slow, terrible display of force as he works to amass some unseen power.

They say that he is loveless; empty of anything but rage.

They say that he is no longer human.

In many ways, Shen knows they are not wrong: for he has been empty for a long, long time.

But - contrary to the stories - Shen knows he is not loveless. He has never been loveless. For it is love (quiet, painful, _terrible_ love) that keeps him looping back.

\- -

The novelty of skipping through dimensions has worn off many loops ago, and Shen steps through timelines as often as he watches the sun rise and set. Each timeline is different enough that Shen never knows what to expect upon arrival, yet similar enough that he knows where he needs to go - knows where he needs to _be._

Jhin’s place of residence is always the same (even if Jhin, himself, isn’t).

Shen makes his way through the crowded city streets, shoulders back as he strides towards the small, quiet house that sits nestled in the back alley of the city’s red lights district. Thin, augmented individuals of no specific gender wave at him from the thresholds of their brothels, and quiet, angry people - marked with the sigil of the rebellion - watch him as he walks. 

The lights in the lower district of this busy, bustling Zaun are bright - neon red, pink, orange and blue - and the colors reflect perfectly off the pristine white of Shen’s pulsefire armour. The people of the city stare, giggle, and sneer - and Shen lets them. They’re never the one he’s here for, anyway.

They’re never Khada Jhin.

In every timeline that Shen has jumped to after his first iteration of life with Jhin, Jhin’s state of _being_ has always proved different: in some timelines, the Jhin that Shen finds is already dead - taken out by the PROGRAM automata that are hunting him. In other timelines, Jhin remains alive, yet his mind has already been corrupted by the surgeries that drove him to madness in his first life. In those instances, no matter how hard Shen tries to bring him back, Jhin always ends up dead; usually - and unsurprisingly - by Shen’s own hand. After all, that’s how their first timeline ended, too.

In other, rarer timelines, Shen has made it to Jhin before the final surgery has occurred: before his mind has been overrun by the augmen-virus, before he’s taken on the life of a killer-for-hire. However, those timelines have always proved the worst, for no matter how hard Shen has tried to change Jhin’s fate, those timelines end much the same as the timelines prior - madness, tragedy, then death - and Shen is forced to watch the entire process happen from the very beginning, all over again. Those are the timelines that allow Shen - for a few short moments - to catch a glimpse of the man who once loved him, before he falls into madness through the hands of the universe, in full, once again. Madness, tragedy, death. _Madness, tragedy, death._

It’s in those timelines that Shen remembers why he’s doing this (for it’s timelines like those that remind Shen that he still knows how to love).

As Shen rounds the final corner to Jhin’s residence, he’s hit with the sudden clarity that this timeline might be one of those pre-surgery universes - one of those terrible timelines where he actually has a _chance._

Jhin’s house is lit, neon signs advertising augment appraisal and repair, and Shen finds the mark of the rebellion scratched small and singular under the sign above Jhin’s door. Shen stands in front of the residence, hands trembling. He’s messed up this style of timeline so many times before, and he can’t - _won’t_ \- allow himself to mess up this opportunity again. 

Shen takes a deep breath, before knocking on the door - gloved hand heavy - and waiting.

The Jhin that opens the door a few moments later is decidedly robotic - his face already replaced by that thin, dark LED screen that he loves so much - yet he holds himself with an imperfect grace that Shen recognizes from his human days. 

_So,_ Shen thinks, _not yet corrupted - but, perhaps, getting there._

“Hello,” Jhin says quietly, his LED screen flashing bright. “May I help you?”

His voice is light and perfect, and he looks the same as ever: he’s wearing the same faux fur jacket that Shen has always teased him about, and his metal augments are as dark and pristine as Shen last remembers them. Half augmented fingers curl around the frame of the door, and Shen’s eyes flick back up to Jhin’s stoic, blinking screen as Jhin clears his throat. 

“Khada Jhin,” Shen says, breathing out the name. A soft smile rises - unbidden - onto his face, and Shen feels his stomach flip. “It’s good to see you again.”

Jhin eyes him, shifting his weight to one foot as he stares down at Shen from his place in the doorway. “Unfortunately, I find myself unable to return the sentiment, “Jhin says, his mechanical voice slowing out into a drawl. “I can’t say that I know you - after all, I’m sure I would have remembered such a… flashy face.” His screen flashes with amusement, and Shen smiles, eyes crinkling at the edges.

“No,” Shen admits, “you wouldn’t know me. At least, not in this lifetime - my name is Shen. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Jhin perks up. “Hm. So I knew you in a different lifetime?” he asks, voice lilting slightly. His faceplate runs through a series of dark red flashes, and Shen stares at him, heart beating fast. “Intriguing. Are you a chrono enforcer? A fugitive?”

“Neither, though perhaps a bit closer to the second than the first,” Shen replies, still staring. “I’ve known you for more than just one lifetime, Jhin - but every time I see you, you’re always more beautiful than I remember.”

Jhin stiffens, screen flashing once more. _Embarrassment,_ Shen thinks, _and satisfaction._

“Hm,” Jhin laughs, head cocking as he looks Shen up and down. “Aren’t you a curious one - Shen, you said? It’s nice to meet you, too. Though - I can’t say that those other lifetimes matter much to me. After all, I still can’t say that I know you, in this timeline, _now._ ”

Shen has heard that same line many times before, and it makes his heart beat something rapid and soft. “Would you want to?” he asks, quietly, and Jhin makes a noise almost like a snort, LED eyebrows raised at Shen from beside his door.

“Was there something you wanted, Shen,” Jhin asks, after a moment, “or did you come here simply to flirt?”

Shen stares at him - the man he’s loved a thousand times over - and knows he is not loveless. Still, he thinks that perhaps love feels a bit different for him now: it’s no longer warm and simmering, but burning and sad: nostalgic, painful.

Lonely.

Jhin stands in front of him, bright LED screen blinking, and Shen takes a deep breath. “I’d like to take you out somewhere tomorrow, actually,” Shen finds himself saying, and Jhin seems to startle, his hand tightening on the doorframe. “But only if you think that’d be something you’d like.”

“Oh,” Jhin replies, staring down at him, quietly. He gazes at Shen for a second longer, shoulders stiff, before breathing out, curious and soft: “Okay.”

\- -

They spend the next day at a small cafe that Jhin used to frequent in his first life - a location that caters to patrons of both the robotic and human persuasions - and Shen orders for them both.

They sit, talk, and - as they stand up to leave - Jhin notes that although he’s never visited the establishment before, he found the quality of service superb. He also notes that he’d like to come again - with Shen, if he would be willing.

Something in Shen stirs painfully then, and they visit the cafe again the following morning.

\- -

Three weeks later with no sign of the fatal, final surgery - Shen thinks, perhaps, that this timeline might be it. He’s careful to observe any new surgeries that Jhin begins on himself, and works to talk Jhin out of any neural modifications whenever he can.

They practically live together now - with Shen hanging off Jhin’s every word, and Jhin laughing with him, sitting with him, _joking_ with him. Jhin shows Shen the augments that he’s been working on for his clients, and talks about the steadily worsening state of the rebellion. He works as an undercover augment technician and innovation expert for the PROJECT troops - not unlike his work in past timelines - and Shen listens to his explanations of new tech with a heavily beating heart.

Jhin speaks of his friends in the rebellion: Zed, a Command Line unit who Shen remembers intimately from their shared lifetimes, and Ekko, a fellow hacker who works alongside Jhin on improving augmentation tech. Jhin speaks of the PROGRAM automata that he’s been narrowly avoiding for the past decade: Lissandra, whose touch sometimes lingers in the tech that drifts Jhin’s way, and Camille, who has hunted Jhin and his friends for the past couple years. In turn, Shen tells of some of his most notable dimension visits: he tells of the tech that he’s discovered, salvaged, and destroyed. Shen speaks of his encounters with chrono enforcers, and he speaks of his army of spirits - invisible, yet omnipresent - that he’s amassed in his years of looping through time. The two of them share bits of themselves, slowly but surely, and Shen finds himself loving once more. 

“It’s astounding - how much I enjoy conversing with you,” Jhin tells him sometimes, his screen flashing with an emotion that Shen knows to identify as satisfaction. “It’s almost as though I’ve known you forever.”

“You might as well have,” Shen laughs, chest tightening. He loops his hand around Jhin’s fully mechanical fingers, and Jhin holds tight to him. “For it feels like I’ve known you forever, now, too.”

Life is just as wonderful as it was during their first universe together, and Shen finds himself hoping - desperately - that the universe has finally given them both a break. He hopes that he’s finally found the path that leads to their happiness: a life of careful moderation, of monitoring surgeries and of silent kisses; a life of bittersweet nothings and the understanding that - once the rebellion has finally succeeded and his friends are lain safely to rest - Jhin will take to the fourth dimension with him, and join Shen in a life of furtive dimension hopping for the rest of their quiet, contended lives. Shen hopes, and hopes, and _hopes._

And then: everything falls apart - just like it always does.

\- -

Shen had been careful to monitor the surgery, and Jhin had been careful to make sure the tech he’d implemented had been safe - pure of any residual malicia or traces of corrupt tampering. And yet, the moment Jhin turned up to look at Shen, Shen had known something was wrong.

Jhin’s voice cracks, a hand coming up to touch at his flickering LED face, and Shen takes a step back, hesitation on his tongue.

When Jhin finally speaks, his tone is flat - devoid of the bubbling excitement that he’d expressed prior to the operation - and his words are sharp. “So this is what it’s like to ascend to a higher plane of existence. How gratifying it is to finally make it here.”

_I'm sorry,_ Shen thinks, hand trembling as he reaches out for Jhin’s hand. _I'm so, so sorry._

Jhin is experienced in battle, as any individual siding with the PROJECT rebellion would be, yet Shen has fought him lifetime after lifetime, and this Jhin - this single universe’s iteration of the man that Shen loves - simply doesn’t stand a chance. 

And so, when the universe finally breaks him and the madness seeps deep into Jhin’s robotic, metaphorical bones - when Jhin is so far gone that Shen knows there’s no hope of bringing him back - Shen is there: blade ready, and heart in shards at his feet. 

Jhin is kneeling, his wiring cut off such that he can no longer move his limbs, and Shen steps to kneel in front of him - the bodies of decimated PROJECT units, PROGRAM bots, and poor, swept-up civilians spread through the streets around them. 

"Perhaps the next timeline will be better," Shen whispers, his lips pressed quietly against Jhin's forehead. Silent, empty kisses. The world fades to a blur - his vision fuzzy and dark as he heaves dry, quiet sobs in the dark alleyway of another dimension that will be lost to time - and Shen's fingers tremble as he moves to sever the final spinal wire that connects to Jhin's brain. There's a snap and a sharp line of red that flashes across Jhin's facial screen, and Shen closes his eyes, mouth moving down to rest against the place where Jhin's lips should have been. 

Shen has not forgotten how to love - could never, _ever_ forget - but sometimes, in timelines like these, he wishes that he might. 

"One day," Shen promises, hands coming up to frame a face that is no longer elegantly lit - a face that is no longer Jhin's. "One day, I’ll figure out a way."

_One day,_ Shen thinks. _I’ll save you._

It's a promise he's made a thousand times before. 

And the words - heavy and resonant in Shen’s mind - feel just as empty as a Shen does.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift fic for [@bekkomi](https://twitter.com/bekkomi), set in a PROJECT/Pulsefire AU where Shen is very desperately skipping through dimensions in order to find the one universe where he manages to save Jhin. This was a lot of fun to write; I don't tend to write a ton of angst (at least, not angst without a happy ending), so this was an exciting change of pace haha.
> 
> Thanks for reading - you can find me [@alainey_lee](https://twitter.com/alainey_lee) on twitter!


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